What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 10:38
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So whats the point in blame.
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But, we were locked up after school.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was very sick at this time too.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
What do people with very high IQs do all day?
Put me off passion for life!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
All the time i was locked up.
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Comes on , in middle age.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He resisted the act ,that day.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She married twice! .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My life is so biszare .
Ive learnt so much.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But it wasn’t much.
I waited trembling.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We were not on the streets..
I have no regrets .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I don,t even have a pension.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I said to her
She was in good health!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We all went to grammer schools
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I write beautiful poetry .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was 9 years of age.
I was seconnd youngest,
Especially a lifetime of it.
She loved him until the end.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I will be 64.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She wouldn,t have been !
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It was going to be , some day.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What did i know ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One cannot live in the past .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When she asked me how she looked .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im still living with it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And i lived it daily.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Who then, do I blame.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My family never makes their pension either.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was scared of men, in general
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Would this be the day?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I never cut or harmed myself..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So, i spoilt her more .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I think the readers, may guess!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
This is soul school!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She found it foreign!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He knew the spot.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.